How To Play MMORPGs: A Pro's Guide


Maximizing The Pro Player's MMORPG Experience

Image by Matthew W. Jackson. Titled "Desk."

Quit everything in your life, except playing MMORPGs. That means your friends, Thirsty Thursdays, and that boy or girl you met through Tinder; tell them you got better things to do than listen to their mouth's flap about loser books or HBO shows. Remember, going outside is for normie fcking fgts. Everything ends but grinding MMORPGs, including paying bills. You have no time for the 9-5 pleb commute. If you were suckered into renting an apartment or taking out a mortgage, it’s time to call up mom and tell her you’re reclaiming her recently converted pilates room, and turning it back into your sweat-stinking den of gaming. Get to it.

Change your diet. Yeah you were doing well for yourself, sticking to your hipster BS keto diet. Time to invert that new age crap: high-carbs and high-fat. Make sure you follow our Worst Snacks To Eat While Playing MMORPGs guide so that you never slow down the hustle. And since you’re home you don’t even have to cook for yourself. Just yell down to your pension-collecting slave with the bent back to heat up some motherfcking pizza bagels (pizza rolls are equally zesty). You need fast meals with minimum grease, and you need them 10 minutes ago before the raid started.

It’s never your fault. When you’re in a group with other players... never-ever take responsibility for mistakes, even when it’s clearly your fault. You’re the best. And everyone else is just scum holding you back. Point your avatar’s finger—/poke followed by /spit—at anyone else, and scream as you type, “You don’t criticize the best player!” Throw your keyboard in a fit of rage, losing as many invaluable keys as you can. That’ll show em’. Always remember, everybody sucks but you. Punch it into the wall over time so you never forget. Your knuckles won't forget either.

Only talk to people through forums. Visit your favorite MMORPG subculture forum, and make sure you complain endlessly. The more you whine, the bigger your internet pro status. You play MMORPGs, you live MMORPGs, but you hate them too, and you’re going to make sure the whole MMORPG community knows it. Every new game is just boring millet-feed for the masses, but you have a refined taste, and your refined tongue hungers for something worth your time. If only everyone else didn’t enjoy inhaling dumpster juices maybe you would have a game instead of a complaint.

Everyone’s opinion but yours is garbage. Remember, you’re the best, meaning your opinions are far superior to everyone else's. Anytime someone praises a game, make sure you tell them why they’re loser opinion is worthless, and shame them until your fingers are sore. Anytime someone loathes a game, take their nose and smash it into your hieroglyphic text ramble, explaining point-by-non-logical-point why their views makes them a subhuman loser. Only you know. And no one’s opinion is true unless it parallels yours 1:1. Build your karma atop the corpses of other people’s inferiority.

Image by Luka Ivanovich. Titled "Broken Computer." 

Game’s media is cancer/Hitler/stubbed toes rolled into one back-alley tortilla. Dante ain’t seen shit. After Lucifer is another circle of hell, where the filthy game’s media is twisted and distorted in deserved eternal agony. No one’s worse than a game’s “journalist.” They’re all hypocrite liars regularly invited to press conferences with hookers and blow, where they plot the end of the world at round tables across from a Frankenstein monster stitched together with parts from Bin Laden, Stalin, and Neelix: one ad-hungry, money-scheming WordPress post at a time. Revolting.

Choose a publisher/developer to HATE. There’s plenty of stuff to hate in this world: being stuck in traffic, waiting an hour for spicy buffalo wings to be delivered, children starving with ribs poking through their wispy skin to see if any food’s around. Fck that. You know what you got to hate. Pick any publisher or developer and focus all of your mental energy despising their odious existence, until a brain-blood vessel explodes in a fit of agony: Aeria Games,, Neowiz Games, take your pick. You’re dying for the cause “brothir.”

Always get hyped for Crowdfunded games. Go into your debt-laden, retired mother’s purse and copy down her credit card numbers. You’ve got games to fund. The next best, retroactively-greatest, game is coming out but it needs your help to fund itself because the team couldn’t convince those stingy, game-hating investors. Donate enough money, and you may even be invited to their offices where you’ll name an NPC and you'll be added to the very bottom of the the game credits, while the developers whisper, “this guy definitely did not have that $10,000 to donate.” No you didn’t. But you want to Make MMORPGs Great Again.

From Mega Man II to Ape Escape, I've been playing games for as long as I can remember. I've spent months killing porings in Ragnarok Online and more recently lived a second life in Eve Online. I usually play as gUMBY, gUMBLEoni, or gUMBLes in-game.