What MMO Would Nebuchadnezzar II Play?

Sometimes I log out of a game and wonder what MMOs famous figures in our culture and throughout history would play. Would Darwin frag scrubs in Natural Selection 2? Would Patton be the world’s best World of Tanks player? Could Socrates stop questioning long enough to let the raid leader detail everyone’s role in the World of Warcraft dungeon? It’s fun to imagine famous figures sitting on Discord, yelling and cheering with everyone else. And today I’m turning to the ancient civilization of Babylon, around 600 BCE.

Nebuchadnezzar II, King of Babylonia, conqueror of countless nations, and foreman of fantastic architecture would spend his days in a hot room playing Conan Exiles, while one of his many wives fans his computer with a palm leaf. His username would be NebuRules02, and his avatar would be a burly man whose beard rests on his collarbones. With unrivaled finesse Nebu would set out to destroy every encampment in the Conan Exiles wasteland, to dress himself in ornate blue and gold clothes, and bring the server under his control.

He would start by walling off the noob river and locking it with immense gates, and gloat about it in world chat constantly: “I am Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon.” To which other players would say, “Could you STFU Nebu?”; “Did you see that scrub locked off the river? WTF man.” “Is this not the great Babylon I built?” From outside the gates players could see an enormous, time-consuming ziggurat: a seven story temple with dancing thralls jiving on top. Next door would be the Tower of Babel, the tallest structure on the entire server, an immense building from which NebuRules02 would glare at fresh spawns wandering in from the desert.

If anyone attacked Nebu or destroyed his mud block buildings, he would be sure to retaliate following lex talionis, the Code of Hammurabi: an eye for an eye makes ol’ Nebuchadnezzar II a happy Conan Exiles player. Any player who dare attacked him would be attacked in return, with full force. Kill Nebu, and he’ll quietly camp near your home until you foolishly step outside and get jumped, fine quality steel sword cutting you down.

Immense wealth would attract other players to Nebu’s city center. Where they would quickly be put to work beside an army of countless slaves, all chipping away at their tasks. There’s no time for a break. NebuRules02 manages the most profitable city in Conan Exiles, stashing vaults full of resources and high quality gear.

Expedition parties would set out to sack other player-run cities until all that remained was Nebu’s Babylon, and a few barbarian encampments on the outskirts of habitable land. You would know when they were coming. Nebu’s followers would wear vibrant clothing, rich playful colors that signaled your base was about to get rekt.

Nebu would eventually meet a female avatar, with a female voice to match, and be instantly smitten. Amytis of Media, or better known by her in-game name “HomeSickAmytis” would become Nebu’s E-Girlfriend, but she would constantly talk about how Rust is the better game. So, Nebu would build her—correction: force his clan members to build—the Hanging Gardens, to remind her of the lush forests and flailing wieners of Rust’s world. The structure so impressed her that the two even talked through Skype with their webcams on.

His clan members could worship any god they wanted, so long as they acknowledged that all gods fall under the gaze of Mitra [Marduk]: the supreme god—Nebu knew that to win the players you must earn the favor of their gods. And every event was interpreted with superstition. Find a super rare Thrall after knocking down a wall? Better knock down that wall again to make the same Thrall spawn again.

Eventually, “DanPredictsLOL” told everyone in global chat that Nebu was playing too much and would soon go crazy for 7 days from forgetting to sleep and eat. He was right. Rumors of a growing nation far to the NorthEast called Assyria would trouble Nebu’s dreams. It would drive him to insanity. One day, Nebu left the encampment, naked, and wandered the Wasteland in a daze. Eventually he logged off and 30 days later, the massive walls of his city and the players who worked it would completely vanish, as if they never existed at all.

Only a few players who stuck around on the server called "Mesopotamia" would remember Nebuchadnezzar and his luxurious city.

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From Mega Man II to Ape Escape, I've been playing games for as long as I can remember. I've spent months killing porings in Ragnarok Online and more recently lived a second life in Eve Online. I usually play as gUMBY, gUMBLEoni, or gUMBLes in-game.