What MMO Would Socrates Play?

Considering all of his wandering rants I can’t help but wonder what MMO Socrates would play. It wouldn’t be the typical, run-of-the-mill game. No, no. As one of the founders of Western philosophy Socrates was a special character, and the MMO would have to let him carry his famous—or infamous—traits into his second home. Which is why the perfect MMO for Socrates, the one he would absolutely play, is Second Life.

Here’s how the polemicist would end up in Second Life.

Bored of RTS games, and the entirety of the Total War franchise, Plato decided he needed something new, something exciting, different, weird, and interesting. So, he made up his mind to explore the strange and enticing streets of Second Life. After making his avatar look like an elder George Costanza with a fluffy white beard adorning his neck, and dressing his Self in the cheapest simple robes available, he dubbed his avatar “Socrates,” an online identity that bordered on extreme dissociative identity disorder, and set out to wander a new world.

After standing in a nightclub where muscular avatars dance to Aerosmith’s “Dream On” and make nasally grunts over always-on microphones, Socrates proclaimed “I [now] know that I know nothing.” Driven by a desire for wisdom, he met with anthropomorphic animals, buxom strippers, and a Vulcan who sounded impossibly foreign, questioning their definitions in an attempt to understand how many disparate people could live in harmony together with their fetishes.

“What is it to ‘cyber?’”; “Perhaps, there is a perfect form of ‘cybering,’ and what you are doing now in this guillotine-chamber-with-lewd-anime-pics-on-the-wall is but a pale reflection of a perfect reality;” “If you study the forms…” To which the miniaturized string bean in dominatrix attire responded, “Yo, take off your pants and get on the table. Or, Get out.”

Socrates questioned everyone and everything. Ladies sitting in the square, smoking and talking to a crowd of man-children, were assaulted by Socrates’ questioning. They begged, “Can’t you roleplay being annoying somewhere else?” “Ah, but what is it to roleplay? Is this not exactly who I am at this moment?” The playerbase soon began to assume Socrates was a YouTube troll, someone egging them on for views and laughs, and became offended by his every salutation.

Other players rallied to his side, and began to follow Socrates through the streets as if he was a cult leader. Some did it because they found a genuinely interesting person to talk to. Others revelled in pissing off Second Life rpers, and Socrates always managed to annoy someone; “Ah my fellow residents, is this the life you always wanted, the person you wish you could be? Are you really living then?” A trail of accented STFU yelling always signaled Socrates’ arrival.

Eventually the denizens of Second Life became fed up with the street-philosopher's antics. They wrote an open letter to the developers. “Socrates is corrupting the playerbase and disgracing the Linden gods. Something must be done.” After careful deliberation, a community manager informed Socrates that his account was to be deleted after reports that he was violating the Terms of Service. Rather than fight the charges, Socrates declared that he would not go against the judgment of his peers, and that he only sought Truth, an escape from darkness into the light that explains the bizarre alter-egos of Second Life’s citizens.

Instead of being banned, Socrates decided to delete his account by midnight. Surrounded by his followers, troll and genuine alike, he wrote a forum post called The Apology, which was soon stickied forever atop the Second Life forums. His final words were, "Crito, we owe a chicken to that Zootopia furry. Please, don't forget to pay the debt." Socrates deleted his account, but remains immortalized as the greatest troll in Second Life history.

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From Mega Man II to Ape Escape, I've been playing games for as long as I can remember. I've spent months killing porings in Ragnarok Online and more recently lived a second life in Eve Online. I usually play as gUMBY, gUMBLEoni, or gUMBLes in-game.