Make MMORPGs Great Again

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The following is an excerpt from a speech given at the Neo-Reactionary MMORPG Developer's Convention in Camden, New Jersey.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Today I want to talk about something very important. I want to talk about the state of MMORPGs, something we all play and love. And it’s very important we have this talk. Because MMORPGs are in serious trouble, and I love MMORPGs.

You see, here’s the problem. Just look at it. We have developers releasing games in our country that are looking to ruin the genre. They’re looking to do tremendous harm. Look at Europe. Look at what’s happened to Europe. I mean these developers didn’t come from South Korea.

Look at what happened last week in Japan, and you see people talking and they say “Ronald Drumpf has a point. We have to tackle the problem.” Friends of mine they call me up and they say, "Mr. Drumpf, you are doing a great service to the MMORPG genre.” Because we have a problem here, and we have to figure out just what’s going on. And I know what’s going on. I’ll tell you what’s going on.

These overseas games are coming into our country to cause us harm, to create a bedlam of bad ideas. And you know what. They want to ruin MMORPGs, they want to injure what you and I both love. The Chinese browser games are ruining the genre.

Now I played League of Angels II and it was a lovely game. Believe me when I tell you. It really was a lovely game. They have the angels and the graphics and the fighting, really just lovely. Believe me. And I thought everything was good, everything was just peachy. I thought “China’s not that bad,” that reviewer on MMOPUB.com didn’t lie. You might not know this story but listen.

But then I discovered something terrible. Just terrible. They wanted me to pay money to beat other players. Who do they think they are? This is appalling, really despicable. Paying money to buy items? You’re telling me that this game was advertised on one of our sites, an American site, and they want me to pay money? I refuse to give one cent to these crooks, and I refuse to support to crooked MMO sites.

Nobody likes pay-to-win. We don’t want pay-to-win in our country. I don’t want pay-to-win stalking our games at night, preying on them. They’re coming over here and taking jobs from real developers, men and women who love their work. And I’ve met many of them: developers who can’t find work because of Chinese browser games. It’s awful, and they say to me, “Please, Mr. Drumpf help me.” And I reach out, and believe when I say this because I’ve been there. And I reach out, and I say, “Believe in me and we will fix this.”

I’ll tell you the answer right now. Are you listening? We need to ban all these Chinese games until our developers can figure out just what the hell is going on. It’s ridiculous really. But you know what, they won't do anything about it. These developers and publishers in their money-fueled tower, they want to welcome these criminals into our country with open arms.

Are they nuts? Are they out of their minds? What is going on here?

You know I love this genre, I love MMORPGs. But what I see going on today is awful. And there’s only one thing to take away from it, and you may not want to hear it but you’re going to have to hear it. Because it’s the only way we can move forward. Our developers, the people we’re supposed to trust, they’ve ruined MMORPGs.

Because when China devalues our games they rip your guts out. And they do it so often: so, so often. They’re constantly devaluing our games with their games. And they always do it when it's a bad time. Ya know, when Wildstar is struggling to gain some numbers, when Blizzard stops reporting World of Warcraft’s playerbase, when Mark Kern is blogging.

Anytime we have a problem they devalue our games. And just last year they had the biggest devaluing of the genre they’ve ever done in twenty years. And I said “how do they get away with this?” But we were doing other things. We didn’t pay attention. But I’m paying attention now and we’re going to fix this.

When China devalues our games we have to fight back. And here’s how you fight back. Because they have ripped our genre to shreds, ripped us absolutely to shreds—hold on I’m sorry, can you get that pleb out of here? I think she actually believed me when I said I like talking while a pleb is crying. That’s okay. People don’t understand but that’s okay.

At this time Mr. Drumpf paused to drink Leninade with a thick straw.

These so called video-game “journalists.” What a joke! Who do these “journalists” think they are? I know journalism. I know many words, all of the words. I have the best words. But these “journalists” can’t seem to get their act together. They’re the most dishonest bunch. Dishonest, I’m telling you. No one’s ever been as dishonest as a video game “journalist” and I know dishonesty. Trust me. They say really bad things, just terrible things. Honestly, it’s disgusting, just really terrible.

And I’ll tell you something, I’ll tell you the truth about video game journalists. You want to know the truth? I read the reviews. I know what they’re up to. I know what’s going on. There’s a rampant bias in games “journalism.” These so called “journalists” are paid by the developers. They’re getting free lunches and mouse pads to give positive reviews! They’re in the pockets of the developers.

They’re crooked, only interested for themselves.

And they write articles against me, trying to say I’m a liar. I’m the liar? I love the headlines. Because that means they’re scared. They know I’m coming for them. They think they can attack me from their mother’s basement but I know what’s going on.

They work for the developers so of course they’re going to try to make me look bad. They’re out of touch with reality. The mainstream games journalism industry is corrupt, corrupt, corrupt. They take money from anyone who will give it to them. I could wave this dollar bill in their face and I could get them to write anything I tell them to. They’re the worst I tell you.

But I’m working to get them kicked out of their cushy jobs. And they’re scared of me.

Game “journalists” want a certain narrative, and I’m not going to give them the narrative they want. They lie so badly. Everybody knows it too. They have bloggers saying they lie, like they’re negligent and saying all these things, and they’re still writing reviews. It shouldn’t be allowed to happen. They get these games to review for free. It’s disgusting. I’ll tell you. It’s a disgrace.

And they’ll say to me, “No, no, no Mr. Drumpf they’re just press copies, we’re as objective as critics can be.” Objective? You’re telling me that giving Battleborn a score of “Good” is objective? And you know what, I don’t know if I’ve said this, you might not have heard this before, but they lie right to you, right to your face, these so-called video-game “journalists.”

They give these terrible MMORPGs a launching pad to end up in our country. They do it because they’re only interested in money. But I am going to fix that. I’m going to uproot all of the phonies. And I need your help to make our dreams come true.

So I’m here to tell you that we can fix this whole mess. We can stop Chinese browser games, we can get real games journalists, we can save MMORPGs. We can do it. I promise you we can do it. We can make MMORPGS great again, but we have to work together. And what a beautiful thing if we can work together to support MMORPGs.

We’re going to ban Perfect World games; we’re going to get rid of crooked Nexon. They’re going to be gone. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? To lose to Nexon. That would be terrible. That’s why we’re not going to stand for their tricks any longer.

But I need your help, we all need to work together if we’re going to get out of this mess. And I worry for the future every day. Because unless we do something now we may lose the genre we love forever. Everywhere I look I see the possibilities of a better MMORPG. I see it in the comments section of r/MMORPG. I see it college graduates who can’t find work. I see it in the hearts and souls of everyone here. We can save MMORPGs.

That’s why I’m asking all of you, who I know care and love MMORPGs, to donate to my KickStarter campaign. With your help I can fight back and fix the crooked system. Because only I can do it. Because we’ll never be able to fix a rigged system if we have to count on the same people who have rigged it in the first place. That’s why we all need me. Because I know exactly what to do and I have a plan to get us there, the best plan, the perfect plan.

We already have the biggest KickStarter campaign of all time. And with your help we can meet our new goal to save MMORPGs. If we work together we can kick out all of the crooks and create true MMORPGs, with me controlling the industry. We all know we need me to fix this mess.

Thank you, thank you everyone. Together we can make the MMORPGs we want to play. Together we can make MMORPGs great again. God bless you, and god bless MMORPGs.

From Mega Man II to Ape Escape, I've been playing games for as long as I can remember. I've spent months killing porings in Ragnarok Online and more recently lived a second life in Eve Online. I usually play as gUMBY, gUMBLEoni, or gUMBLes in-game.