Worst Snacks To Eat While Playing MMOs
If you’re built to grind you have to snack. Truly the only acceptable gaming snacks are Soylent, Bawls energy drink, and Ramen (not necessarily with hot water added). But we know not everyone can handle the rigorous discipline the MMOs.com diet demands. However, we’ve decided to make sure you steer clear of the worst possible snacks. It’s a dangerous world, but MMOs.com is here to shed some light on the crumbs tucked between your seat cushion and the sharp plastic part Ikea doesn’t tell you about when you go to assemble your chair. Happy snacking.
Doritos: the in-between games snack. Eat while playing with extreme caution.
The Fall of Man after Hencrick Goltzius by Mike Licht.
One sunny morning a wizard at Frito-Lay said, “How can we take the tortilla chip and make it irresistible to stoners everywhere?” He then went into a lab and synthesized a powdered cheese with the help of Mephistopheles and an intern who once worked for Mark Kern, and dumped it on some chips to forge Doritos. Even God said, “God Damn, I should have thought of that.” But beware! Doritos not only inflate your gut but turns that keyboard into a cheesy wasteland no fingers dare touch. Even the greasiest of the grease knows to place their hands in quarantine until the nearest faucet can be located. Unless you’re a finger-licker. In which case your keyboard was skeevy long before you wafted cheesy pheromones. Pro-tip: if you must eat Doritos equip a Powder Free Latex Glove and dispose after each chip; stack gloves as needed for continued Dorito ingestion, e.g. 10 chips, 10 gloves.
Fan-favorite of the sickest gamers. Likely to climb leaderboards, but likelier to have a heart attack before eSports season ends.
I know some of you sick bastards out there can’t help but munch on a glorious stick of 4 OZ. Salted Butter. Or maybe you're hygienic and you scoop it out of a tin with a spoon while fragging kids in Counter-Strike 1.6. Butter is hardcore, and hazardous to mouses everywhere for unrelentless guck clogging. But butter benefits KDR. It’s street name is “Basement Lube” (also known as “Butter me timbers” in elite circles), a highly sought after enhancement in underground eSports leagues. Butter leaves your keyboard in a thin film of fatty process but it also allows fingers to easily slide across, from “Q” to “M” and back to “Z” in less than 0.8 milliseconds, studies suggest. It’s a competitor's favorite in MMORPGs and finger-based rhythm games, e.g. Cow-Cheese Simmon’s was banned from the 2015 Touch Online world championship in Saigon, for using a butterstick on his palms before the finale. It was a major disappointment, and the Touch Online community never recovered. Please butter responsibly.
The deceptor, distracting gamers since 1976.
Popcorn was invented as revenge for Manifest Destiny and Rudyard Kipling’s less-than-stellar moments. Gamers everywhere falsely believe popcorn is the safest snack to munch on, which is exactly what Popcorn wants you to believe. As gullets are stuffed, popcorn descends chins and creeps between keys and mice, slowly building a layer of shell carcasses until one day, the space-bar stops pressing in as far as it used to, and you stare at the screen of death in World of Warcraft because you couldn’t use levitate and jump off a cliff before an Alliance druid cast “/spit.” Popcorn is the tortoise of disaster, building up over time until peripherals become useless. If you must eat Popcorn use a collar to prevent roguish kernels from invading your gaming tools. We recommend the KONG Ez Clear Collar from Chewy, for style and practicality.
Krispy Kreme Donuts
Responsible for over 1 billion unapologetic in-game deaths.
Krispy Kreme Donuts are a stain on humanity’s short existence: the epitome of modern civilization. The United Nations recently recategorized developed countries based on the ratio of Krispy Kreme dispensaries to population; only America and Malaysia remain developed. Krispy Kreme Donuts command a throne of sticky fingers even Satan won’t allow in his hell. Devouring a “Kremer” (a slang term some scholars believe originates from Rome, Iowa), is akin to cutting off a hand, a willingness to immobilize oneself, one of the greatest detriments a player can experience. To keep dropping the beat in Overwatch one must learn to play the keyboard with their nose while “Kreming,” (a slang term that scholars unanimously agree originates from Los Angeles). There is no advice to offer if you choose to indulge Krispy Kremes, beyond moving to the nearest third-world country if you wish to gain some semblance of control over your life. We suggest Canada for American readers.
Please contact your nearest psychiatric counselor if you relate to the following.
There are two types of people who believe eating ribs while guiding a mouse pointer through a fantasy world is acceptable: the first believes their place in the universe is as a light-bulb blinking out of existence against an endless night; the second really loves ribs. Ribs may be the greatest danger to any PC on this factually-based list. Because eating ribs is a battle that consumes every object within a 2 foot radius of the perpetrator: a sanguinary ode to the power of good cookin. Even dry-rub ribs are a hazard. Cleaning a desk of paprika, black pepper, brown sugar, salt, celery salt, cayenne, garlic, dry mustard, and cumin is a task the developers of Viscera Cleanup decided was too impossible to include in their game. However, no rib connoisseur can appreciate the delicate balance of flavors bouncing off their palette while popping Porings in Ragnarok Online. Please, for the sake of your ribs, eat, destroy one stack of napkins (preferably Ladybug Party Napkins), rinse, and then play.
Banner image is "chocolate goodness" by frankieleon.